| No plan yet on what to do about the giant prehistoric octopuses in the Bermuda Triangle. It is unknown whether our fleets have been destroyed or merely swallowed whole and waiting for help. The Pentagon is open to any ideas. One military strategist says that the only way to defeat the creatures is to recruit one of the Arabian knights, preferably Sinbad, to locate and recover the severed head of Medusa from the labyrinth of the Minotaur. Anyone who looks at the head is turned to stone. At the same time, another hero will be needed to locate the eyes on an octopus, in order to know how to most effectively use this weapon. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Update: War in the Bermuda Triangle
Remembrance of War (with Great Grampa Alec)
|
Today on Remembrance of War, Great Grampa Alec attempts to span three generations with his valuable knowledge as he is interviewed by his great grandson's friend, Timmy. Timmy: What's it like to fight in a war? G.G. Alec: Listen up now, Timmy, because I know you like watching TV. The TV makes war look fun and exciting and it makes you think that nothing could be better than winning a war. But war is nothing but a tragedy. A lot of the soldiers I faced in battle were not much older than you. Some of them were maybe a little younger. In fact, I remember one who looked a little bit like you. I lifted him off the ground by his throat with one hand and squeezed until his eyeballs popped out. Timmy: Why were they so young? G.G. Alec: Because it was later in the war after they used up all their adult soldiers. I tell you what, you grow up fast on the battlefield, Timmy. Maybe that's the kind of experience you need to teach you about life - as long you don't get killed or horribly maimed. Just remember not to use your last bullet until you're well within bayonet range. Timmy: What did they do to people they didn't like? G.G. Alec: They rounded them up and killed them. Sometimes they shot them. Sometimes they hung them. Sometimes they locked them in a barn and set it on fire. And they didn't care how old you were. Lots of boys your age and younger would get pulled out of their houses and end up in a ditch with a bullet in the back of the head. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Power Trip
| It's time for Power Trip, the electronic broadcast from which escape is futile. When you speak of power, how can you dismiss electricity? Electricity is the only thing stopping us from destroying ourselves. If I shut down your power right now, everyone would turn into savages and burn down all the libraries. Oh no? You don't believe me? Well then, see for yourself! (With a flick of a switch, the lights go out. But in a moment he restores the power and continues talking.) Just as Zeus was once believed to have hurled thunderbolts from high atop Mount Olympus, here at the power plant, I supply the whole region with electricity. I can send you all back to the Dark Ages if I wish. Is that what you want? I can do it, you know. Okay, you asked for it! (He shuts off the power again, turning it back on in a few seconds.) It's time to start making some positive changes to counter the negative influence of the electric chair and the electric fence on electric power's image. Electricity is your friend. It should have a cute mascot, perhaps a cuddly eel... | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Ernie's ICBM's
|
Thanks to the new treaty limiting the use of nuclear weapons, a whole new range of products is now available through our mail order service. Is your neighbour bothering you? Do you need to make a show of strength? Do you both live in the same state? Or maybe you're in the mining business. One of these warheads might speed up the work. Are you entered in a fireworks contest? Need to blow away the competition? View our spring selection online now. Legal Notice: Warheads are for civilian use only. Ernie's ICBM's is not responsible for any misuse of its products for terrorism or global annihilation. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Know that Enemy
|
Now most of you know how to recognize the enemy. Just by their low, sloping foreheads, their crazy eyes, their long, sharp teeth, their propensity for knuckle walking, and, of course, their tails, they're easy enough to tell apart from us. But how do you spot an enemy sympathizer? This is a little more challenging. You need to look for other things like antisocial behaviour. Enemy sympathizers are antisocial because they secretly hate you. That's why they seldom turn up at social affairs like church. And enemy sympathizers disrupt vital social programs like supermarket shopping. They grow their own vegetables and won't go to the produce section like everyone else. And all enemy sympathizers smoke. They don't just smoke tobacco, they smoke everything. Clearly they don't have the slightest concern for our health. If you think your neighbour is an enemy sympathizer, don't try to arrest him yourself. Call the authorities. They'll surround his house and humiliate him in front of everyone as they take him away for questioning. And don't worry. Even if he turns out to be innocent, our interrogation staff can always use the workout. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Top Stories
|
The first manned expedition to Mars is overdue for its return to Earth. Since gold was discovered on the planet, efforts have been made by numerous countries to stake a claim. Over the course of its mission, the team of five miners has been tragically and mysteriously reduced to one survivor with no piloting skills. It is possible that his ship may be too heavy to escape Mars's gravity. Here on Earth, experts say that economic prospects are good. Dwindling resources are no longer to be feared because, as long as we have plenty of gold, we can buy all the resources we want. An expedition to Pluto for plutonium is scheduled for late next year. Smog is good for you. Smog kills insects and other pests, making urban life more comfortable. And by getting your lungs used to smog, you may be better able to adapt to the atmosphere of whatever planet we are forced to colonize in the years to come. An undersea explorer has offered a possible explanation for the disappearance of numerous fleets in the Bermuda Triangle: prehistoric octopuses. These creatures have grown to an enormous size over millions of years and can strangle an aircraft carrier with one tentacle. They can only be destroyed by nuclear weapons at close range, blowing up their attackers in the process. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, March 25, 2013
Power Trip
|
Welcome to Power Trip, the psychology show that's taking over your minds. Did you know that a significant number of you are mentally ill? We are doing our best to treat this group, as reflected in an ever-growing population of pharmaceutical users, but what help is there for the healthy? For instance, how does one treat hypochondria? Well, without going into too much detail, an imagined illness demands an imaginary cure. New miracle placebos are currently in development. All that is needed to treat hypochondria is to give this new medication our official stamp of approval. You don't have to worry about anything as long as you leave us in charge of your mental health. If you disagree with our authority, there may be treatments available to help you overcome your personality disorder. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The Bermuda Triangle War
| The First Pacific Fleet is headed for the Panama Canal after the Third Atlantic Fleet suffered the same fate as the Second and First Atlantic Fleets and disappeared mysteriously before it could finish its mission. Material losses are beginning to mount as our shipbuilders struggle to replace larger and larger fleets. We would normally speak to our field correspondent but we lost contact with him before he could send his last message. Hostilities began in the Bermuda Triangle after a cruise ship vanished without explanation before it could complete its cruise. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, March 22, 2013
Emergency Call Forwarding
| Emergency telephone operators are often overworked. Before you call for help, think about it. Is your child foaming at the mouth and growling at you in Latin? Why are you calling us? Sounds like you need a priest. Did your child slip through the walls and get lost in the fourth dimension? We can't help you. You need a physicist. And how about you cat owners? It's not our job to rescue your pets from trees. Get a chainsaw and take care of it yourself. With emergency call forwarding, your call for help will be automatically rerouted to the appropriate authority. By freeing up emergency operators, you'll be helping them to respond faster to a real emergency. Emergency call forwarding: help us help you. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Top Stories
|
Scientists have discovered the reason for the drop in the birth rate. New satellite dishes are interfering with the migration of storks. Stork friendly hardware is being developed to remedy the problem. The Peace Talks in Antarctica were disrupted by a snowball throwing protestor. Negotiators from our side complain that Antarcticans are too fun loving and mischievous to reach a serious agreement with. And while they may dress impeccably, they take this as an excuse to behave any way they like. As for why our country must stay in a constant state of war, a well known think tank has found the cause after years of research: astrology. Apparently our planet is stuck right in between the two most opposing planets, Venus and Mars. And a parks and recreation lobbyist is pushing for a seven hundred billion dollar program to slay dragons. They would like to get the program started before the beasts cause another rash of summertime forest fires. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Paragon
| Some of you may be wondering what kind of paramilitary outfit we train you for here at the Paragon. We won't be making any parachute drops. We won't be teaching any paralegal skills. And the para-Olympic team trains in the Paradome. But forget all that. Empty your heads of all thought. Now, do you all see that howitzer over there? I want you all to focus on it and see if you can lift it off the ground with your minds. Concentrate. Very good. Now bring it to me. Excellent. Now whatever you do, don't drop - Call the paramedics! | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Treachery!
|
Host: For two hundred dollars, what is the total number of prime colours? Mark! Doris: (over Mark's voice) FIVE! Host: No, I'm sorry, Mark, that's wrong. That will cost you two hundred points. Mark: But that wasn't my answer! She answered in my place! Host: For four hundred dollars, can you name the prime colours? Mark! Mark: Red ... blue ... Oh no! Doris! Are you all right? Should we call an ambulance? Host: I'm sorry, Mark, that was incorrect. That costs you four hundred points and puts Doris in the lead. Mark: But she needs medical attention! Doris: No, I'm fine. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
War in the Antarctic
|
Now that the war against a tribe of primitive extraterrestrials dropped from outer space onto the island of New Guinea has ended in a stalemate, with no giant enemy slingshot found, the mighty arm of our arms industry has reached out to another direction, Antarctica, where the local population is said to be provoking a conflict. And our field reporter is right there to fill us in. How are you doing? How am I doing? I'm freezing my ass off. I'll bet you are. That blizzard you're standing in reminds me of my childhood growing up in Canada. Oh yeah? Well when are you Canadians going to get involved here? You have a stake in this if you want to keep calling yourself 'the true north strong and free'. Actually that's the South Pole you're standing on there. Close enough. As a North American are the locals giving you any trouble? Not yet. What did they do to start this war? Revolution? Near revolution. They formed a huge cluster on a patch of ice that was reserved for North American research. As if that wasn't enough, they left it covered in droppings. But isn't that how they stay warm? That might be how it looks, but the way these creatures hobble about upright and splash about shamelessly, its clear that they are up to no good. Tell us more about this specially designed weapon. Apparently it destroys the enemy while leaving his igloos intact. Poisoned fish. These birdbrains fall for it every time. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Concentration 'X'
|
Coach: Wakey-wakey! Time to get up! We'll start the day with no breakfast followed by a mountain climbing expedition with a one hundred pound backpack. Then we'll start digging for the swimming pool we need for your swimsuit shot to make sure we have enough time to finish it before the photographers get here. Are you ready? Model: Let me go back to sleep. Announcer: Sometimes it isn't easy for a fashion model to get out of bed. But keeping that perfect figure doesn't have to be so demanding. Introducing Concentration 'X', a new flesh busting formula from the makers of Compound 'Y'. Concentration 'X' contains a powerful acid which has been specially engineered to attack and burn away human fat on contact. Just spread a little over your lumps and watch them disappear like magic. Coach: Wakey-wakey! Come on, get up! We made a deal with the garbage truck and they're going to let you work the whole south side yourself. Hey, where are you? Are you here? Model's Voice: Yes, I'm right here in front of you! Can't you see me? Announcer: Don't let them see you sweat with Concentration 'X'. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Tuesday Night at the Movies: Cold Blooded Marriage
|
Tonight on Tuesday Night at the Movies, we bring you the Penguin Classic tale of romance and intrigue, Cold Blooded Marriage, all eight hundred and ninety four pages of it neatly jammed into a one hundred and ten minute screenplay. Darling, come back to me. We can make it together if we both work hard. I'm sorry, dear, but it's out of the question now that Spenser has been named the sole heir of your uncle's fortune. But what kind of life are you going to have married to a boa constrictor? Maybe he can pamper you, but how can he possibly love you? He gives me a good strong hug once in a while. And must you leave so suddenly? Just a sojourn in the swamplands to give Spenser a chance to stretch out and to remember the taste of freshly strangled food. By Jove, I'll fight him if I must! Spenser! Come out and face me like a ... a ... (Spenser springs up from the floor.) Ah! There you are. Put em up! (He throws a punch which misses.) Hey, let go of me! This is boxing, not wrestling! Don't miss Cold Blooded Marriage tonight on Tuesday Night at the Movies. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, March 18, 2013
Nightcast: March 18, 2013
|
... and Arnold Lewis Eddison was found guilty of all six counts and sentenced to eight years in prison. In the meantime his wife, Maisie, and his four children, Peter, Paul, Allan, and Elizabeth, all school aged, will have to survive on welfare. As for the case involving an unnamed network, an unknown employee was charged with an unspecified offense which we're sure you'll all forget by tomorrow afternoon. And now for our entertainment report. To show you that we don't depend on name dropping to draw attention, we're presenting today's report without mentioning any names. Some stars met for lunch in an expensive restaurant. Photographers were there and snapped some photos of the event. Some other stars went shopping for shoes. A star was pulled over by police for erratic driving and blew over the legal limit for alcohol in his roadside test. And one of the most popular stars of the 1950's died of old age. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Sunday Survey
| I-i-i-it's SUNda-a-ay! Time once again for Sunday Survey, the show that let's you be the star! Before we get started, I'd like to answer a question one of our viewers had about how we use the information you give us about yourselves. We use it to make your shopping experience more fulfilling because we know that each and every one of you is special. And now, get your pencils and papers ready to answer the five following questions. Number One: What is your worst nightmare? Number Two: What is the most traumatic memory of your childhood? Number Three... | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Prices Rise
| Good afternoon and welcome to The Prices Rise, the show for store owners. Now that the penny is out of circulation, you may need some guidance in how to round off your new prices. For instance, if something costs $9.86, it looks at first like the price needs to be lowered to $9.85. But since a nickle is now worth a penny, the way to calculate the new price is by expressing the penny in $9.86 with a nickle for a new price of $9.90. And for putting you through the trauma of almost knocking a cent off the price of one of your products, you can charge another five cents for a fully adjusted price of $9.95. As a bonus, this new price appears to have been rounded down. | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, March 15, 2013
The Number Two
|
(A bus stop.) Transit User's Friend: Do you want to come for a beer? Transit User: I have to catch my bus. Transit User's Friend: You mean the Number Two? (Derisive laugh) We have time. Transit User: How long have you been waiting, sir? Transit User 2: About ten minutes. Transit User: (After haplessly checking the horizon) All right. (Exit.) (The bus stop an hour later. Transit User 2 is still waiting.) Transit User: You're still here? Transit User 2: Yep. Good thing they give us something to read. Did you know that there are over two hundred stops on a trans city bus route if you stay on the bus when it reaches its destination and let it take you all the way back to your point of origin? Transit User's Friend: Do you feel like a round of golf? Transit User: Anything's better than this. (Exit.) (The bus stop five and half hours later. Transit User 2 is still waiting.) Transit User: No luck yet? Transit User 2: Can't be much longer. Transit User's Friend: Do you want to sail across the ocean on a catamaran? Transit User: (Checking the horizon.) I guess we still have time. (The bus stop a year later. Transit User 2 has grown a beard and sits on the bench with a woman and child.) Transit User: Did it come yet? Transit User 2: Not yet. Transit User: That's too bad. Transit User 2: Oh, it hasn't been a total loss. I met my wife, Marie, here, when she started waiting for the Number Two shortly after you left on your voyage. This is my son, John Junior. Marie: Wait a minute, aren't you the driver? Transit User's Friend: Hey, you're right! (Checking watch) Looks like you reminded me just in time. I'll come back and pick you up if you all wait right here. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Decapitalism
| (Cheering audience.) Good evening, folks! It's time once again for Decapitalism, the only prime time show with its own guillotine! And we've already yanked our guest from his country estate and he waits bound, gagged, and blindfolded backstage. Now please refrain from taunting him as we bring him out to meet his maker. (Yelling) Bring that son of a gun out here! (The doomed man is escorted onstage and his neck is locked into the killing apparatus.) Isn't it great to cut short the life of a man whose entire happiness is bound to his money? What's he going to do now? Bribe God with it? What a fool. All right, Mister Executioner, are you ready? (The masked executioner points his thumb up.) On the count of three: (drum roll) one ... two ... THREE! (Down comes the blade amid wild cheers. The host reaches down and picks up the severed head by its hair. He hands it to a stagehand.) And Jerry will be right back in just a few moments with tonight's skull hand crafted into a beer mug which we will send to a lucky viewer at home if they can answer the following skill testing question. Which medieval king's head was used by soldiers to invent the game of soccer? We'll accept the first correct answer at 555-1234... | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Buy Blast Records
|
Blast Records is the biggest and therefore the best music label in the world. It is owned by Doug Chelmno, the famous weapons magnate. In fact, 75 percent of the entertainment business is owned by Chelmno - to ensure that your entertainment dollars are used to keep North America safe. So support Blast Records' exciting new recording artists: The Cryminals. Fifty cents of every dollar earned by a Cryminals song is spent on the production of Napalm Plus. Remember that we are at war with Papua New Guinea, a dangerous enemy. Napalm Plus is needed to uncover their giant slingshot before it can be used against fish in the surrounding harbour. Blast Records! They're a blast. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The National Bullshitting Corporation
| Our network has decided to adopt a more open and honest style of broadcasting. That's why we've changed our name to the National Bullshitting Corporation. We know that you will continue to support us, because who else is there? We own everything. So let me begin the day by telling you that we here at the National Bullshitting Corporation are committed to bringing you the very finest news and entertainment and to keeping it within the strict guidelines dictated by federal law. We care about you more than we care about ourselves. And all our sponsors care about you more than they care about themselves. We and our sponsors only exist to please you and to give you your money's worth. We love you. We spend all our time thinking of how to please you. We think you're smarter than us. We wish we knew all your birthdays so we could send each of you birthday cards. And we wish we knew all your mothers' birthdays... | ||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Money Can't Buy Courage
|
Is it heroic to help someone to whom you are indebted? That's the kind of help I was asking for from the business. They made money off my work and now they know it's my work. Why am I sitting in a library broke when they have billions of dollars? This is ridiculous. Who were you all cheering for? Was it the talent or the business? I'm the talent. How do you feel about being cheated into loving the business like that? How do you think it makes me feel? I would have preferred to believe that people loved my music if I made it big. Now I'm not so sure. No one seems to get excited until the business tells them to. Have you noticed how I have a modest life but all the ones who used up my writing had wonderful, rich lives? They get together for a party and the event makes it onto the entertainment page in the newspaper. But when they sit down to write, nothing comes to them. There is no passion in their lives. Why did anyone ever admire them? I gather that these people on TV scooped up all my work after I deleted it on the notion that I was weak. Now I want my property back and they hide it. And the CEO's and presidents all stay out of the spotlight. We don't know what they look like. Isn't hiding for cowards? But everyone knows my face - even well enough to tell it from my relatives on TV. (Thank God.) I don't hide my face. When I think of heroism, I think of courage. How much courage does it take to conform? Some of these people who called me a coward would never admit anything 'shameful' on the internet. I admit the humiliating details of my poverty all the time. I'm not ashamed of them. I find it disturbing that people of such low character should be in a position to influence the minds of so many viewers for such a long time. Maybe most people can shake off their evil influence with a little determination, but not everyone. For me even one viewer who believes their lies is a problem. Why is it my problem? I didn't lie. The sponsors of these networks sponsor crime. If I watched TV, I would make a list of these sponsors and bring it with me when I go shopping so I know which products to boycott. |
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)