The Church of the Born Again and Agains

(Cheesy organ playing a gospel tune in the background.) Barns: Welcome, friends. I'm Pastor Bobby Barns with an important message for you from the Lord. God loves you and he wants to forgive your sins. Here at the Church of the Born Again and Agains, we're not stuck up. After all, Jesus even ate with those no good tax collectors! Tom, here, has been saved since earlier this year. Tom, why don't you tell us about the first time you were saved? Tom: Well now, that was while I was in prison for peeping. Someone gave me a copy of the Good Book and I found that my imagination could work wonders with some of those Old Testament scriptures. Barns: Praise God. And how about the time after that? Tom: That was when I was in prison for dealing kiddie porn. The good Lord knows I was only doing it out of love. Barns: And so do we, Tom, so do we. You will always be welcome in this house of the Lord, as long as you stay at least twenty feet away from children under the age of fourteen, according to your parole conditions. And Stella first found the Lord in prison after she was caught recruiting High School girls into a prostitution ring four years ago. She's been out for almost a whole year, but we lost her for a few months a short time ago. What happened, Stella? Stella: I went to court for pimping my daughter. Barns: Well, it's wonderful to have you back, and we'll be waiting for you after you serve your time for this new offense. And look! Someone's coming through our door right now! Welcome, son. How did you get that blood all over you? Were you in a fight? Visitor: (Out of breath) You could call it that. (After looking over his shoulder) Do you think I could hide out here for a while? The cops are after me. Barns: Hallelujah, another sinner has come unto the Lord and found salvation! Of course you can stay here, son. (Police sirens are heard closing in outside. Enter officers with weapons drawn. The newcomer ducks behind the pastor.) Who dares to bring violence into this House of God? Officer: Sir, this man is wanted in four states and two Canadian provinces for multiple homicides and cannibalism. Stand clear or we'll have to shoot. Barns: Gentlemen, lay down your arms and surrender your soul to Jesus. It's not too late for you to be saved. (The wanted man wraps his arm around the pastor's neck and draws a knife.) Visitor: Stand back or I'll hack his fucking head off! Barns: (In choked tones) So don't be alone with your sins. Come on down to the Church of the Born Again and Agains and meet others like yourself. No sin is too great for God to forgive.
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© 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved.