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Next blog: E.M. Forced Her. I tried to post some more live videos of me playing and singing but I couldn't finish because it said it was going to make me wait three hundred minutes for a three minute video. And it took me over twenty minutes in this blog site to get the page to open up with a text field. So my account has obviously again been compromised. 24 April: Upload time for my song has been reduced from yesterday's 1600 minutes to today's 7 minutes. To whomever, thank you for fixing this problem. (10:34 am - Got one of my two videos posted. Will try to post the second one later today.) |
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Notice
Monday, April 15, 2013
Repro-bait
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(Applause. The host of the show stands with his stunningly attractive guest.) Thank you, thank you, and welcome to Repro-bait. I'm Marty Morgan. And let's have a big round of applause for today's guest accomplice, supermodel, Svetlana! (Applause and whistles.) Svetlana I hear that you recently spent time in the hospital. Were you ill? (Russian accent) Not at all, Marty. The nurses were concerned about a new orderly on their staff. He was spending far too much time in the janitor's closet with the door locked. They needed to know if they could trust him with some of the helpless female patients, so they recruited me as - Don't say it. They recruited you as - are you ready, audience? - (the audience joins him in unison) REPRO-BAIT! (Cheers and laughter). That's right. They told him I was blind and had him stand by while one of them pretended to give me a sponge bath. Then before she could finish they had someone page her and left me unattended while video cameras recorded his every move. And did he take the bait? He sure did. You should have seen the look on his face when he lifted my gown and found a suit of armour underneath it. That must have been priceless. Let's watch the tape. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Church of the Born Again and Agains
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(Cheesy organ playing a gospel tune in the background.) Barns: Welcome, friends. I'm Pastor Bobby Barns with an important message for you from the Lord. God loves you and he wants to forgive your sins. Here at the Church of the Born Again and Agains, we're not stuck up. After all, Jesus even ate with those no good tax collectors! Tom, here, has been saved since earlier this year. Tom, why don't you tell us about the first time you were saved? Tom: Well now, that was while I was in prison for peeping. Someone gave me a copy of the Good Book and I found that my imagination could work wonders with some of those Old Testament scriptures. Barns: Praise God. And how about the time after that? Tom: That was when I was in prison for dealing kiddie porn. The good Lord knows I was only doing it out of love. Barns: And so do we, Tom, so do we. You will always be welcome in this house of the Lord, as long as you stay at least twenty feet away from children under the age of fourteen, according to your parole conditions. And Stella first found the Lord in prison after she was caught recruiting High School girls into a prostitution ring four years ago. She's been out for almost a whole year, but we lost her for a few months a short time ago. What happened, Stella? Stella: I went to court for pimping my daughter. Barns: Well, it's wonderful to have you back, and we'll be waiting for you after you serve your time for this new offense. And look! Someone's coming through our door right now! Welcome, son. How did you get that blood all over you? Were you in a fight? Visitor: (Out of breath) You could call it that. (After looking over his shoulder) Do you think I could hide out here for a while? The cops are after me. Barns: Hallelujah, another sinner has come unto the Lord and found salvation! Of course you can stay here, son. (Police sirens are heard closing in outside. Enter officers with weapons drawn. The newcomer ducks behind the pastor.) Who dares to bring violence into this House of God? Officer: Sir, this man is wanted in four states and two Canadian provinces for multiple homicides and cannibalism. Stand clear or we'll have to shoot. Barns: Gentlemen, lay down your arms and surrender your soul to Jesus. It's not too late for you to be saved. (The wanted man wraps his arm around the pastor's neck and draws a knife.) Visitor: Stand back or I'll hack his fucking head off! Barns: (In choked tones) So don't be alone with your sins. Come on down to the Church of the Born Again and Agains and meet others like yourself. No sin is too great for God to forgive. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, April 14, 2013
What Might Have Been
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Today on What Might Have Been, we'll explore what the famously ripped off composer and humourist, Darrin Sikorsky might have looked like if he had decided to appear on Saturday Night Live and the Tonight Show in 2012 when everyone was pressuring him to get out and perform. Would it have sped up his rise to the top? (The SNL stage. Amy Puller stands in front of the curtain.) Puller: And now, Darrin Sikorsky! (Audience cheers as the curtain opens. Sikorsky enters from the side and picks up his guitar. As soon as he plugs it in, thousands of volts of electricity pass through his body, causing him to tremble and making the ends of his hair burst into flames. He drops to the floor and a team of paramedics rush to his aid.) (The next day on the Tonight Show, Jay Bluto introduces his musical guest.) Bluto: And now, bringing his amazing energy to our stage, it's Darrin Sikorsky! (Sikorsky, with frazzled hair and covered in black spots, stands behind the microphone with his guitar and starts immediately into his number. Before he finishes the first lyric a huge stage light drops on his head and crushes him. Paramedics rush onstage and check his exposed wrist for a pulse.) |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Guilt Trip
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Congratulations, Monica! Because of the particularly reprehensible nature of your crime, you are our finalist. Now, we know all about how you stole your sister's shoes and left her to walk barefoot on the hot pavement until she wound up in the hospital and had to have her feet amputated. Monica, you have a whole closet full of shoes. Why did you need to take your sister's? Everyone liked her shoes more than any of mine. That was greedy. I know, but I'm sorry now ... so sorry. Yes, but are you sorry you did it or sorry that you didn't get away with it? (Tearfully) Sorry that I did it. I wish I could go back in time. Go back in time so that you could undo it or go back so that you could do it right? (Angrily) So that I could undo it, of course! Well, we're not convinced, Monica. That was such a nasty thing to do to your sister that we think you're just crying from a warped sense of self pity rather than from guilt. Isn't that so, folks? (The audience shouts their agreement.) There, you see? No! It's from guilt! If you had any sense of guilt, you wouldn't have felt so good about it before you were caught. How do you know I felt good about it? We know about how you visited your sister in the hospital to tell her about your new dancing lessons. You were quite happy. But I'm crying now! I'm afraid that there's only one way that you can prove that your tears are coming from your conscience, my dear. When Judas realized that his betrayal had cost an innocent man his life, he was so overcome by guilt that he hung himself. So behind that curtain is a gallows. (Curtain opens) This is the perfect opportunity for you to gain our pity. What do you say, folks? Who wants to see Monica hang? We'd believe her then, right? (The audience cheers wildly.) Well? What are you waiting for? Go on, girl! (She reluctantly ascends the apparatus and reaches for the noose but fails to go through with it.) Just as I thought, you only care about yourself. But it is a little excessive to demand your life when your sister is still alive. Why don't we just lop off your feet and call it even? What do you say, folks? (The audience chants 'Off with her feet!') Let's get Barney in here. (Enter a masked ax-man.)Everyone, let's have a big hand for Barney the Executioner from Decapitalism. (Audience cheers.) Please, no! I'm a great dancer! Of course you are. Because guilty feet have got no rhythm and you feel no guilt. (Barney overpowers her and ties her to a table in front of the wildly enthusiastic crowd. He raises his ax and is about to bring it down.) You can't do this! Hold it, Barney! (Barney rests the blade on his shoulder and waits.) You're lucky, Monica. This show is about guilt, not about justice. Now take your twenty-five thousand dollar prize and get the Hell out of here! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Power Trip
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Welcome to Power Trip, brought to you by the omnipotent media. Is there any greater power than the power of mass manipulation? I doubt it. We know that you have a hard time facing reality and that's why we invent a more acceptable reality for you. And when you step into this reality, you belong to us. We amuse ourselves by testing the endless limits of our power against you. Something important happens - perhaps an artist we dislike writes a sensational new song - and we have you all looking in a different direction. The city is surrounded by enemy tanks and we have you all thinking it's our own troops. The economy is in a tailspin and we have you investing in the stock market. You want news? Just give me a few minutes to dream up a few stories. You'll swallow it all and come back for more. Are we worried about being caught lying? Who are you going to come to for the truth afterwards? Ha! Time for you worthless consumers to go out and hand over more of your money to our sponsors now. That includes you scientists and psychiatrists and power plant workers. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Friday, April 12, 2013
Straight from the Belt
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Conveyor Belt Activity Report: April 12, 2013 9:00 am: Turned on conveyor belt. Stacked first box by 9:01. 9:30 am: Using boxes to build Stonehenge. Supervisor came by and kicked it all down. 10:45 am: Must keep stacking boxes to avoid being captured by aliens. I can hear them outside, but they are repelled by drudgery. 12:00 noon: Lunch. I enjoyed cardboard soup with a cardboard sandwich, but I broke my cardboard fork. 2:20 pm: One of the boxes may be a subversive. I set it aside and am holding it for interrogation. 3:00 pm: Must increase production. Put belt into high gear and started using both hands to stack. 4:30 pm: Started clean up early. 4:45 pm: Went to the bathroom for fifteen minutes. 5:00 pm: Shift end. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Love or Money
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Sheila, our audience and our friends at home are dying to know how you feel about Mark who is about to sign a contract with Blast Records for millions of dollars. I love him. I love everything about him. Really? Aren't his eyes a little close together? Not at all. They're cute. Doesn't he look like a bit of a slob? He's just disheveled. Isn't he a little past his prime? Nonsense! He's mature. Doesn't he have sort of mousey hair? Listen! I said I love him and you won't say anything to change my mind about that! Well we're glad to hear that, Sheila, because he isn't really going to be signing that recording contract. We just said that to give you a choice between love and money. And we're very impressed with your integrity. Now, here comes your man with his arms out, all ready to give you a great big hug! Keep it away from me! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Top Stories
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Charlie Munsen, the infamous cult leader and murderer, is scheduled for parole at the end of this month and our network is considering him as a replacement for our current late night talk show host. We think he is a good candidate for the job because he is already famous and we appreciate how he only stabs people in the front. Munsen has repented for his crimes and says that he thinks of us all as his family. The financial giant, Mobile Mortgage, has released a statement in response to the public outcry over its repossession of thousands of homes in the last week. They say it's your own fault for believing their bullshit. And in sports, the Tasmanian Devils drowned the Mongolian Mongols in underwater cardboard tube dueling this afternoon in front of a hungry school of tropical fish. They credited their enormous lungs over their soggy weapons for the victory. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Campfire Rock
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Singer #1: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... Singer #2: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... Attila: ROCK! ROCK! ROCK ME BABY! GONNA MAKE ME CREAM! ROCK! I SAID RAW-AW-AW-AWK ME HON-AY! GONNA STICK MY THING BETWEE-EEN! ROCK! YEAH! ROCK- Singer #1: Attila! You're drowning us out! Attila: That's because you don't put enough into it, man. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Straight-Blanket
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(A bedroom. A man wakes up shivering with his feet sticking out from under his blanket.) Is your blanket failing to keep your extremities covered? Long term exposure to cold air can give you pneumonia. And wearing socks and gloves to bed cuts off valuable heat from the rest of your body. Protect yourself with the Straight-Blanket. The Straight-Blanket offers tight fitting pockets for your hands and feet to make sure you stay covered no matter how much you toss and turn. (The bedroom. A fire alarm rings as smoke fills the air. The man is immobilized in his Straight-Blanket and is unable to escape the ensuing flames.) Stay warm with the Straight-Blanket. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Interview from Prison
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We're here in the maximum security correctional center with the notorious sex slayer, Jay Retardo, and Jay, let's get right to the point. Why did you kill Lilly Garner? From mercy. Mercy? But she was only sixteen years old! I'm telling you, if you could have seen her after I starved her and beat her for two weeks, you would agree that I did the right thing. Her clothes were all torn and her face was all bruised and she wouldn't stop crying. She was just so sad. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Top Stories
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The home of a suspect in the stabbing deaths of four working women was investigated today. Inside were found video tapes of one of our network's popular crime programs, as well as a large collection of Jack the Ripper memorabilia. These are thought to have no relation to his crimes. Elsewhere an arsonist was arrested in the act of trying to burn down a mosque. Somehow he got the crazy idea that Muslims are a dangerous enemy which must be destroyed. And Disney's Cruella De Vil is claiming no connection to the near death of a dalmatian puppy who was found tied to a railroad track and rescued in the nick of time. More at eleven. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
The Insomniac
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(A bedroom. The would-be sleeper lies tossing and turning and talks to himself in his head.) Try counting sheep. Yeah, that's it. One little puffy tail, two little puffy tails, three little puffy tails ... Hey! Is that my arm falling asleep? (Sitting up with wide open eyes) Oh boy! ... Aw! (He lays back down) Maybe count backwards from a hundred. One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety-four ... Hey! I'm losing consciousness! (Sitting up) Oh boy! ... Aw! (He gets up and pulls out a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of alcohol from his nightstand drawer.) I guess there's only one way to do this. (He dumps the pills into the booze and puts the deadly mixture up to his lips but hesitates.) No, I can't do it. If I die I will never sleep again. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Empath
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(A mother and her teenaged daughter cross paths with a red haired teen in the street.) Daughter: CARROT TOP! (Her target succumbs to tears and runs away.) Mother: Rachel! That's not nice! Does your teen lack a sense of moral responsibility? It can take a lifetime of suffering to develop sensitivity to the pain of others. That's why you need The Empath. This medical implant opens a psychic channel which will allow your teen to experience the misery of every person or group she encounters. It'll make her think twice before she hurts someone. (A living room. The mother sits in front of the TV. Enter daughter.) Daughter: What movie are you watching? Mother: Schindler's List. (Her daughter flees the room in tears.) Help her grow up fast with The Empath. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Screaming Pink
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Are you an artist who gives his whole heart away just to see your fans mob someone else who stole your work? Maybe you need Screaming Pink, the new shirt from Phenomenal Tailors. Screaming Pink is dyed in a special shade of pink which penetrates the eyes and stimulates the areas of the brain which dictate sexual arousal. Just put it on and let it bring your fans to you. (A boy opens his drawer and takes out a pink shirt which has been shredded to ribbons.) Boy: Mom! Teddy wore my shirt again! Screaming Pink: don't wear it out! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Monday, April 8, 2013
Second Prize
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Prime Time Listings: Canadian Television 8:00 Canada's Got Talent 9:00 The Miss Canada Pageant 10:00 MacDonald's Anatomy 11:00 The Great Big Bang Theory 11:30 The Gidday! Show |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Great Escapade
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(The 'Cooler'. Hogan sits with his back against the wall when the door opens and Carter is thrown in with him.) Hogan: What happened? Carter: They found nitroglycerin in my pocket. How did they get you? Hogan: I blew it. I should have spoken English with a Prussian accent instead of with an Austrian accent when I was talking to that Gestapo man. Carter: I wonder how long we'll be stuck here. Hogan: Don't worry, Kinch will soon have us out of here. I told him to shave his mustache and impersonate Himmler. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Arms and the Band
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He's all alone. It would be impossible for him to play his songs as they are recorded. Couldn't he just play guitar and sing against a background score? Too artificial. People want to see his hands on all the instruments playing every note while he sings. So tell this Vishnu character to go back to India. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Music Note
| My new song has been online for over twenty-four hours now. Is it still mine? Can someone check that? I don't want it to end up like Business. | ||||||||||
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| © 2013. Statements by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Gold Rush 2013
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Welcome back to Gold Rush. We're with today's finalist, Marleen. Marleen, Ernie the prospector is waiting for you. He hasn't been with a woman since he left for the Klondike forty years ago, and we're going to give you five minutes to see if he knows where we hid the gold, starting now! (The audience shouts as she frisks the bearded old man. She digs into his pockets and turns them inside out, finding nothing. She opens a bag that he had slung on a stick and canned beans fall to the floor. She continues searching frantically before finally turning to the camera in defeat.) Are you ready to give up, Marleen? But are you sure you checked everywhere? (She pauses for reflection. Suddenly, with a flash of inspiration, she pries open Ernie's mouth and peers inside.) I found it! (The audience cheers wildly.) Congratulations, Marleen! Now take these pliers and claim your prize! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Saturday, April 6, 2013
Top Story
| A man was released from custody today after successfully pleading his case for robbing a bank. He said that the bank had lots of money and could afford to be robbed. He is currently applying for a job as a script writer for this network. More at eleven-thirty. | ||||||||||
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Driver
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(Talking to herself in her head) The mechanic told me I was lucky to survive the flat when I was driving sixty-five miles an hour. He told me to slow down, but there was a creepy looking hitchhiker standing around and I had to get out of there fast. You could tell by his clothes that he just wanted to get in my vehicle so he could violate me. Then about eighty miles down the road, about an hour later, there he was again! How did he get in front of me like that? I swerved to avoid him and started driving fast. It was no use. I saw him again and this time I ran him over. His blood covered my windshield, but I kept on driving. I was so relieved to have him out of the way. About an hour later, about ninety-five miles down the road, I saw a police officer with his thumb out. I thought it was odd, but I just kept driving... |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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