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Sheila, our audience and our friends at home are dying to know how you feel about Mark who is about to sign a contract with Blast Records for millions of dollars. I love him. I love everything about him. Really? Aren't his eyes a little close together? Not at all. They're cute. Doesn't he look like a bit of a slob? He's just disheveled. Isn't he a little past his prime? Nonsense! He's mature. Doesn't he have sort of mousey hair? Listen! I said I love him and you won't say anything to change my mind about that! Well we're glad to hear that, Sheila, because he isn't really going to be signing that recording contract. We just said that to give you a choice between love and money. And we're very impressed with your integrity. Now, here comes your man with his arms out, all ready to give you a great big hug! Keep it away from me! |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Thursday, April 11, 2013
Love or Money
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Charlie Munsen, the infamous cult leader and murderer, is scheduled for parole at the end of this month and our network is considering him as a replacement for our current late night talk show host. We think he is a good candidate for the job because he is already famous and we appreciate how he only stabs people in the front. Munsen has repented for his crimes and says that he thinks of us all as his family. The financial giant, Mobile Mortgage, has released a statement in response to the public outcry over its repossession of thousands of homes in the last week. They say it's your own fault for believing their bullshit. And in sports, the Tasmanian Devils drowned the Mongolian Mongols in underwater cardboard tube dueling this afternoon in front of a hungry school of tropical fish. They credited their enormous lungs over their soggy weapons for the victory. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Campfire Rock
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Singer #1: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... Singer #2: Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream... Attila: ROCK! ROCK! ROCK ME BABY! GONNA MAKE ME CREAM! ROCK! I SAID RAW-AW-AW-AWK ME HON-AY! GONNA STICK MY THING BETWEE-EEN! ROCK! YEAH! ROCK- Singer #1: Attila! You're drowning us out! Attila: That's because you don't put enough into it, man. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
The Straight-Blanket
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(A bedroom. A man wakes up shivering with his feet sticking out from under his blanket.) Is your blanket failing to keep your extremities covered? Long term exposure to cold air can give you pneumonia. And wearing socks and gloves to bed cuts off valuable heat from the rest of your body. Protect yourself with the Straight-Blanket. The Straight-Blanket offers tight fitting pockets for your hands and feet to make sure you stay covered no matter how much you toss and turn. (The bedroom. A fire alarm rings as smoke fills the air. The man is immobilized in his Straight-Blanket and is unable to escape the ensuing flames.) Stay warm with the Straight-Blanket. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Wednesday, April 10, 2013
Interview from Prison
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We're here in the maximum security correctional center with the notorious sex slayer, Jay Retardo, and Jay, let's get right to the point. Why did you kill Lilly Garner? From mercy. Mercy? But she was only sixteen years old! I'm telling you, if you could have seen her after I starved her and beat her for two weeks, you would agree that I did the right thing. Her clothes were all torn and her face was all bruised and she wouldn't stop crying. She was just so sad. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Top Stories
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The home of a suspect in the stabbing deaths of four working women was investigated today. Inside were found video tapes of one of our network's popular crime programs, as well as a large collection of Jack the Ripper memorabilia. These are thought to have no relation to his crimes. Elsewhere an arsonist was arrested in the act of trying to burn down a mosque. Somehow he got the crazy idea that Muslims are a dangerous enemy which must be destroyed. And Disney's Cruella De Vil is claiming no connection to the near death of a dalmatian puppy who was found tied to a railroad track and rescued in the nick of time. More at eleven. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
The Insomniac
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(A bedroom. The would-be sleeper lies tossing and turning and talks to himself in his head.) Try counting sheep. Yeah, that's it. One little puffy tail, two little puffy tails, three little puffy tails ... Hey! Is that my arm falling asleep? (Sitting up with wide open eyes) Oh boy! ... Aw! (He lays back down) Maybe count backwards from a hundred. One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight, ninety-seven, ninety-four ... Hey! I'm losing consciousness! (Sitting up) Oh boy! ... Aw! (He gets up and pulls out a bottle of sleeping pills and a bottle of alcohol from his nightstand drawer.) I guess there's only one way to do this. (He dumps the pills into the booze and puts the deadly mixture up to his lips but hesitates.) No, I can't do it. If I die I will never sleep again. |
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| © 2007, 2013. Scripts by David Skerkowski. All rights reserved. |
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